Its no secret why we are all going on expensive vacations around the world instead of spending our valuable free time camped up in our living room.
You could be doing something practical, maybe catch up on your backlogged tax or see the local sights?
No no no.
Clearly where we live sucks, and going far away for 2 weeks is a giant middle finger to all those suckers you grew up with that thought you’d never make a dime coz you dropped out of college and was voted most likely to become a doorman in high school.
Well eat this suckers coz us world travelers worked hard completing our never ending work at our crappy jobs until we accumulated and pushed together 100 hours of vacation time, and now its time for us to make good.
Yes we could buy a car or pay some of that crushing mortgage, but hey! Checking in on Facebook at the Great Wall of freaking China? That crap is priceless.
But before you hit that beach in Greece, or that crowded wave pool in Japan you need to make sure you consider my lovely, polished and patent pending ‘5 steps to ensure your vacation is as stressful as possible.’
Use this list to ensure you spend as much money as possible seeing as little as possible and enjoying it as much as you enjoy that job you left waiting for you in the shadows of your home world.
(Or reverse it for the opposite effect, whatever).
Every tip is tried and tested by me, and I promise stress and frustration from every one of them. Maybe even some tears, you never know, dreams do come true 😉
1. Bring those old shoes, new-fangled runners are for suckers.
We’ve all got that ratty pair of shoes you don’t need for work and aren’t formal enough for weddings, so they sit around for other things you may need them for. Maybe you use them for the odd fast food run? Maybe grocery shopping? Yep, those bad boys will be fine for trekking through the city 8 hours a day, or climbing that mountain.
Arch support and all that other foot science nonsense is for suckers who spend more than 50 bucks on their shoes, not you. You probably sprung for that spray that conserves your $10 shoes for years! So your covered.
Don’t worry, your feet and your back may survive your trip. You are planning on sleeping through the trip right? Then make sure you read the next tip!
2. Sleep as much as you can, your on vacation!
Nothing much happens before lunch time right? And once the sun sets someone is probably going to attack you. If no-one is speaking english, then they’re probably planning your death.
Other suckers are attending festivals, nighttime extravaganzas or possibly taking advantage of the hotels free locally sourced breakfast. Your far smarter, sleep 19 hours of the day and the remaining 5 will be golden!
Minus the couple hours it takes to find a coffee joint that takes your Amex. Which leads to my next point.
3. Bring your domestic credit card, what else could you need?
Anyone who doesn’t take American Express is a sucker, and doesn’t deserve your business. They probably don’t have anything you’d want either.
Sure they have markets, local handmaid products sold by simple farmers who only take cash, food unlike anything you’ve ever smelt. But think of it this way, if you get desperate you can always trek the country looking for an atm that takes your credit card, then get a cash advance at an immediate 20% interest rate. Who cares right? Money problems are home problems.
And sure if you lose that credit card then earn a unique vacation memory! Sitting in a foreign speaking bank phoning through their corporate system and begging someone in HQ to have a heart and loan you the money or you’ll have nothing for the rest of the trip.
You may screw yourself, but at least you didn’t stoop beneath planning ahead of time and getting a foreign cash card, or God forbid cash that isn’t dollars. But speaking of cash –
4. Budgeting? No, I’m here for fun!
Vacation feels different, anything is possible on vacation! And of course anything is accessible! If you took my earlier suggestions then you don’t have a travel card loaded with a budgeted amount of money, your using your credit card from home that charges you everytime it has to convert the currency plus is giving you a terrible exchange rate. But who wants to hear boring words like that on vacation!? So your spending like a CEO and his mistress and making everyone at your bank very nervous. It wont be until you get home that you check what you owe, but guys, that’s 10 party filled days away! YOLOOOOOOO!!!!!
5. Get home and talk about your vacation. Non-stop.
You’ve now been to New York, or LA, or Bali. Your now an expert on the location, and are part of an elite club of people that have been there. You know longer have to say San Fransisco, you say San Fran coz your practically a local. So make sure you give all the innocent travel virgins tons of tips on what to do there when they go. Of course be sure to chastise them first for not having been already, do they live under a rock? Most of all if anything has changed since you visited, be sure to remind them if they don’t know, it was way better when you went.
Never forget that everyone will be dying to hear about your trip long after you take it, so never be caught without tons of photo slideshows that take hours and come pre-prepared with music you personally relate to.
Well that’s my list, following it has stressed me on many occasions, each tip comes from a different trip of mine to a different place, so believe me they are well tested.
Good luck in your travels 😉
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